Despair. Doubt. Disbelief.
Suffocation.
Been tough as I attempt to make positive steps in my life only to have those things not work out. I do my best to reach out to reconcile to people and leave with that person still thinking I'm the devil for things I never did. I do my best to protect people by creating safe relationship distance only to have them feel hurt. I'm doing everything I can to be a better person and it's just not happenin.
My roommate told me last night in the midst of my breakdown last night that he was proud of me. He said he didn't know anyone to do so much to reconcile with people and reach out. He said my cause was even noble. But he said that I had to accept the reality that some times things just don't work out like you want. Some times you just have to be at peace with the fact that you did everything humanly possible to make things right.
I guess I'm just wrestling right now because I feel like I'm doing everything I can right and not really reaping anything positive. I work and I work, face challenge after challenge, only to remain in the state I started. As if the cosmos itself is against me. Or perhaps that's just Homeric epic coming through.
I'm going to continue following God, I'm just waiting on Him to show up. Waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel. Waiting for all this dirt I been doin to pay off. Hoping, against the dilemmas of reality, that it will happen.
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My first response is to try to come up with some good advice, to try to 'fix' your situation.
But that probably isn't where you are at. And besides, I don't have anything profound off the top of my head anyway.
But I do feel for you. I suspect that you are somewhat like me, and like to have all your relationships doing well. We like the people we like, and want to keep our friendships positive, healthy, mutually edifying. But, like your roommate says, that doesn't always happen. You do what you are supposed to (repent, ask forgiveness, etc.) but sometimes the other person isn't ready to make the corresponding step. You can't help that. They make that choice when and how they decide.
So, you choose to keep on moving forward. Trusting, believing, hoping.
All you have to depend on is God's faithfulness, although even that seems iffy. God can handle your doubts and questions. He's OK with you dumping your frustration on Him.
Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on
So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on
http://www.weddingvendors.com/music/lyrics/b/bill-withers/lean-on-me/
That's what brothers are for.
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